In this post, we’ll explore the paradoxical phenomenon of Distance versus Closeness in the context of relationships, by unpacking the science and how we can use it to create and maintain attraction.
Distance Versus Closeness
Relationships are a dance between distance and closeness. Between certainty and uncertainty. Between dependence and independence. They are a dance between predictability and unpredictability. Between familiarity and unfamiliarity. Between the need to feel secure and the need to explore. As the sayings go, familiarity breeds contempt while distance makes the heart grow fonder.
In fact, research shows that women are more attracted and think most about men who inspire feelings of uncertainty and anxiety and whose feelings about them are unknown.
Attraction, Distance & Closeness
Attraction requires both distance and closeness. The former generates the desire to connect which creates closeness. The latter generates the desire to disconnect which creates distance. This creates a self-reinforcing cycle.
The Science
When together, a man’s levels of testosterone decrease and a woman’s levels of oestrogen decrease which creates the need to disconnect to raise those levels back up.
When apart, oxytocin ― a pleasure hormone associated with love, bonding and longing ― is released in the brain.
Therefore, the longer two people are apart, the more oxytocin that is released. The more oxytocin that is released, the more the feelings of love and longing that are generated. This process ultimately culminates in the desire for both people to reconnect.
Furthermore, uncertainty creates fear. Fear activates the release of endorphins, cortisol, adrenaline and norepinephrine, causing wave after wave of anxiety and sexual tension.
“Distance creates uncertainty which creates desire and so the amount of attraction we feel towards someone is in direct proportion to how much uncertainty we can live with.“
The Key To Maintaining Attraction
The key to maintaining attraction in relationships is maintaining the dance of distance and closeness. While distance creates desire, closeness creates connection.
However, too little or too much of either can send a relationship on a downward spiral. Therefore, the key, as with almost anything in life, is balance and that balance is unique to each couple.
“Love seeks knowing. Desire seeks mystery. When there is nothing left to know, there is nothing left to desire.”
Summary (TL;DR)
All relationships require both distance and closeness. While the former creates connection, the latter creates desire.
However, too little or too much of either can send a relationship on a downward spiral. Therefore, the key is balance and that balance is unique to each couple.
Thus, the dance between both factors will determine whether attraction either thrives or dies.
